Offering shelter to the unhoused

I think I was around 6 or 7 years old when I first saw Les Miserables on our family television set. A flickering black-and-white rendition. Though the film was silent its message conveyed. The initial scene with Valjean and the bishop was for me a dawning. In a way similar to the first time I heard and understood the Golden Rule… it seemed another source of light was at play in the world. Its presence filled my imagination and has never faded.

I’m sure you remember the scene… after providing Valjean with a meal and a bed the bishop was repaid by being beaten and robbed by his guest. When justice came knocking the bishop did the unthinkable, he forgave and even defended Valjean, not for his actions, but for his ultimate worth in the eyes of their maker.

This scene still brings emotions.

This of course leads me to my question: first, can we see others in this way, each possessing immeasurable worth? Secondly, can we do this? Should we do this? Offer a spare bed to a potentially dangerous visitor? Can we be like the bishop and return a stranger to the human race?

Over the years I’ve encountered a lot of interest and confusion around the subject of doing just that, namely; offering shelter to the unhoused, the stranger, the displaced and rejected among us. I’d like to try and dispel a bit of that confusion with some practical considerations.

I’ll say up front that it’s rare that everything lines up to offer shelter safely.

This is a complicated subject, an order of magnitude more complex than handing out socks at an intersection, introducing a stranger to area resources, or buying someone a cup of coffee.

This is your home we’re talking about.

I encourage you to run everything discussed here through your particular circumstances, your capabilities and the people that your decisions most affect.

I won’t claim that these answers are complete or airtight as we’re always learning.

Our approach

Our family has developed a criteria for sheltering people which has continued to morph and grow over time.

I’ll start by saying that we’ve been heavily influenced by failures, mostly my own. We also learned a lot from friends we’ve known. Grown adults, raised in homes their parents offered as crash-pads to homeless folks, addicts, the mentally unpredictable, anyone needing a place to sleep really.

In hearing these stories, my initial reaction was something akin to: that’s amazing! You’re so lucky to have parents that put their beliefs into action, modeling sacrificial love to their children!

But the truth was more complicated.

Some would tell us their parents were hippies, had a simplistic view of the world, or motivated by spiritual beliefs. Whatever the case, I’m certain their parents believed they were doing good and expected good to come of it, perhaps they believed that by doing good they were somehow protected from risk (oh that it were so).

As we learned more details about our friends’ stories it became clear that most viewed their experience as a source of deep pain and resentment.

They grew up feeling unprotected. Some were traumatized by the experience and one friend confessed she struggles with hatred toward homeless people because of her childhood experience.
Extremely sad, and completely avoidable.
Again, I’m sure this was not the intent.

I believe this is due to a fundamental misunderstanding of a guardians’ roles and responsibilities.

Everyone is worthy of love, not everyone is worthy of trust.

Inspiration for this piece

I recently got into a great conversation with a person here in Richmond. Steph and I were at a local sports bar for some football since we don’t have access to the games in our camper… also it’s a safe place (for Steph, not me ;)) to publicly scream at the tv. As I began to talk with the guy sitting next to me, he told me he’d been hoping to talk with a homeless advocate as he had some questions.

It turns out that he’d just begun researching tents and diesel heaters hoping to offer a homeless person a good nights’ sleep. Of course I loved hearing this. He told me that he’s even considering buying a piece of land in town to set up some form of temporary shelter. My new friend is in the beginning stages of learning how to offer shelter to his unhoused neighbors. It got me thinking about some of the things we’ve learned over the years around this subject.

There have been times I’ve felt a tinge of guilt about having an empty bedroom or two (maybe more) while seeing neighbors living on the street.
I’ve known a lot of folks that have expressed the same sentiment to me personally.

I’d like to offer some stories from our process and the logic that now guides us when we offer a place to stay.

I started by making mistakes
When I was in my early 20s my sister and I shared a 2 bedroom apartment in San Francisco. I gradually got to know my unhoused neighbors, I hung out with a few folks regularly and learned their stories and how they liked their coffee. This was all new to me and my friends taught me so much. One day I was out riding my bike and got into a conversation with a young man around 15 or 16 years old. His name was Tommy. As we were talking he told me that he was homeless. I thought this is just a kid out here in the city alone, so without a lot of thought I invited him to stay with my sister and I. When we arrived at the apartment I told my sister that he was a friend (true) and he’d be staying with us for a bit.

It seemed simple enough, I had a bed and he didn’t.

The only rule I had was that he couldn’t be in the apartment without me. I slept on the floor and gave Tommy my bed. I offered him food, let him use our shower and gave him some of my clothes. If I remember right, he only stayed with us for a couple of weeks. It connected with something deep in me, to offer a safe place to someone who didn’t have one, but I began to feel a little uncomfortable with the open-ended nature of my invitation.

Eventually he stopped coming by, I looked for him back where we first met but I never saw him again. Looking back I can see he likely had some behavioral issues I didn’t recognize.  All I know for sure is that his time with us was without incident and for that I’m thankful.

There are so many things wrong with this
I really didn’t know him, I had no idea what he was about or if I could trust him. I didn’t tell my sister where I’d met him or that he was more stranger than friend. I risked a lot and it was irresponsible. I failed to ask him to reach out to his family (if he had one) to let them know he was okay. Beyond that I should have known my local resources and offered to help him connect with the shelter system instead of offering my bed. There’s a lot I should have done but I didn’t know anything!

Following that experience I had a sense there must be better ways to offer help but did not know how. I never did that again but I never lost my desire to help.

PS. Don’t tell my sister

Still learning

Fast forward several years. Now married with kids living in downtown Colorado Springs. Like most parents, Steph and I looked for ways to share the value of serving others with our kids. Some Saturdays we’d form an assembly line of sandwiches to bring to our unhoused neighbors in the park. It was super fun and kids are naturally great at giving.

During this season Steph and I planned a rare date downtown. We went to our favorite restaurant and afterwards took a stroll. We found ourselves in a coffee shop where there was a drunk guy on an acoustic guitar. He was being aggressive and making everyone uncomfortable. I got into a discussion with him which got intense pretty quickly and we ended up going outside to talk. His name was Dennis and we also met his wife Halley. It’s hard to explain but Steph and I felt a connection to Dennis & Halley right away and we didn’t want to ignore it. This connection felt like we were meant to be a part of each other’s stories. As we talked it came out that they were living in their broken down car (so, no heat) and it was Winter, in Colorado.

On our way home Steph and I talked through the potential of hosting our new friends. If it made sense for this particular season of life, and if we could come up with a way to offer shelter safely and effectively (a criteria we hadn’t fully formed). We decided we’d like to figure it out providing the kids felt the same way.

Our family had recently moved into the addition that we’d built onto our house and we had designed the new basement to house families experiencing homelessness. Though unfinished, it was warm, dry and easily secured from the rest of our home, it had a lockable exterior door and egress windows.

After supper the next night we talked it over with the kids and it was unanimous, we all loved the idea. Next we talked about how to have strangers stay in our home. What were the rules and consequences? How do we offer shelter to strangers without the risk of harm? We made it clear that the kids were never to be alone with our guests. The couple would be welcome in the basement space after the kids’ bedtime and they would leave before they headed to school, etc. We felt that was what we could offer.

Our whole family got busy getting the basement ready. We set up a bed and hung curtains for privacy (there was a big window to the backyard and alley). The kids wrote welcome cards, decorated the area with nice pillows, blankets, a night stand, a reading light, stuffed animals and water bottles. It was beautiful to see them consider how to give their first fruits.

Next I went downtown and found our new friends to invite them to stay with us. I gave them our address, described the alley entrance and what time they were welcome to arrive. I explained the rules and made everything clear about what we were offering and what we were not. They were really appreciative.

Dennis had characterized himself as unpredictable when he had been drinking (he used stronger language) so we amended the boundaries around our invitation to reflect that (explained below). Over the months we developed an easy friendship with Dennis and Halley and would occasionally have them into our home to share a meal.

They stayed with us through most of the Winter. It was hard for us to ask them to leave on bad weather days, but they never complained. Come Spring we helped them find a weekly rental downtown, we talked with friends in our community about contributing to the cost of the apartment, which we all did.

We stayed in touch and by that Fall they moved to Boulder county to be with family. Soon they’d gotten jobs, put a down payment on their own place, a trailer in a park, and Dennis stopped drinking. We kept in touch for a couple of years and were happy to hear of their continued success.

We’re always learning and this experience especially helped us define our values and develop some clear guidelines that continue to serve us.

Our criteria:

Value #1 - the sanctity of our home-life is our number one priority, serving others is always secondary to this (let that sink in please).
There is nothing noble about serving others at the expense of safety or personal wellbeing, especially when kids are involved.

Later we learned that it’s worth calling the local shelter to ask the staff if they know our potential guest, explain what we’re thinking and find out if they have any concerns.

Before offering shelter we start with a few questions:

1.      Is it safe? Can we be safe and offer shelter, safety for our family and also our guest(s)?
Not just physical but emotional safety as well, are we free to be ourselves?

a.      This means we have an area with zero access to our home space – this is a non-negotiable. Our home must be secure.

b.      This safety also goes for businesses and houses of faith (which should be engaged with the area homeless resources), protect your people from risk of harm as you offer compassion.

2.      Are we all in agreement? This is hugely important and also a non-negotiable.

a.      We will only move forward with unanimous agreement.

b.      There’s no shame if someone isn’t on board, for whatever reason (even if it’s a feeling).

3.      What are we offering? Be specific – assume nothing

a.      Where will your guest sleep?

b.      Is there a bathroom that is just for them?

c.      What areas of your place are off-limits (indoors as well as outdoors)?

d.      Can they have friends over? (not advisable)

e.      Can your guests eat in their space?

f.       Where does garbage go?

g.      Are we offering the ability to do laundry?

h.      Are we offering transport? (rarely advisable).

i.       Will we give keys to our guests specific to the space being offered?

4.      Can we do this with excellence?

a.      After talking out all the realities as best as we can, are we prepared to offer shelter?

b.      Have we clearly defined the type of help we’re willing to offer and what we’re not?

c.      Are we prepared to make our guests feel honored as invaluable human beings, not defined by their lack?

d.      Have we done our best to anticipate the potential for surprises?

e.      Are there any needs that exist beyond our capabilities (medical needs of any kind)?

5.      What are the rules and expectations for our guests and for us? Again, be specific.

We must form a set of rules along with consequences around the use of our space that is explicitly agreed upon by our guests from the beginning so there’s no confusion. In writing is advisable.

a.      What dates are your guest(s) invited to stay? Start date-end date?

b.     One night? A couple of nights? A few months?

c.      What is the daily schedule? Arrival time/departure time.

d.      Are we aware of area resources to further inform and support our guest(s)? Housing navigators, an addiction recovery program, job training, a place to obtain I.D. and receive mail.

e.      Do we have a clear exit plan?

f.      If things don’t work out are we prepared to end the offer of shelter? Have we expressed that potential with our guest up front?

g.     No substance use or possession of any kind – non-negotiable. No inebriation on the property.

       In the case of our guests, we made it clear right from the beginning that Dennis was not welcome if he drank alcohol at all that day even if he wasn’t drunk. If he broke this rule he would not be allowed back again ever, one and done. He honored this rule.

6.      Is it okay with your neighbors?  

Depending on the situation you may want to check with your neighbors or at least let them know that you have friends staying at your place they may not recognize. As you’ll see in our next story, we checked with our neighbors the last time we offered shelter.

We set up a weekly family check in:

1.      How’s everyone feeling?
2.      Anything to report?
3.      Are we still on board to continue to offer shelter?
4.      Anything about the arrangement you’d like to change? (this was how we initially invited D&H to join us for supper, a couple of the kids really wanted to and we all felt comfortable).

Of course we were all encouraged to express any concerns immediately.

This list may seem too strict to some, not strict enough to others, this is just how we approached it. Every circumstance is different and you have to consider your own situation.

We are not a shelter, we are not a resource center, we have no medical expertise, we can simply offer a bed and warmth and that’s no small thing. Our role is limited but we believe it can be crucial.

One last story: our most recent offer of shelter – Jimmy
In our small mountain town in Colorado there aren’t too many unhoused folks that stay year round. In fact we have one person, I’ll call him Jimmy. We do get people passing through during the Summers, some camp near town and fly a sign by the super markets. Come Fall they’re gone. Our town sits at around 8500 feet elevation and Winters can be brutally cold.

Over the years we’ve gotten to know Jimmy marginally well, a little of his history, his family situation etc. he’s a gentle person and always nice to talk with. He rarely asks for anything. The barriers to housing for him are complicated and not worth going into here.

Oftentimes Jimmy sleeps in a local strip mall. The owner of one of the buildings has given him permission to plug in an electric sleeping bag heater, very kind and great for most nights. Knowing that he’s vulnerable during bad weather and especially during life-threatening cold temperatures Steph and I decided to offer him a place to stay.

I’ve found him a few times in the cold panhandling, a couple of times standing in a t-shirt in near white-out snow conditions. In those cases I’ve been very directive, as in “hey man, get in my car I’m taking you to the hotel”. Sometimes Steph and I pay for his hotel room, sometimes we would use money given to us by a friend for that purpose.

In an attempt to offer something more permanent Steph and I invited Jimmy to sleep in our barn. It’s really not used for much more than storage and it has electricity for a heater. We decided to carve out some space so he could stay whenever he needed to. We talked with the neighbors to make sure they were comfortable with Jimmy staying in the barn on cold nights and they were readily on board. In a small town like ours everyone knows Jimmy. Also our barn is on the edge of our property and closer to our neighbors than to our home.

Over the next couple of days we gathered a few things and asked friends if they’d like to contribute. It’s always more fun when friends get involved. We set up a tent, a small electric heater, a sleeping pad and sleeping bag along with a pillow inside the barn. We tried to keep it simple and effective. This isn’t an apartment, it’s simply a place to get out of bad weather and be safe. It’s a step up from where Jimmy normally sleeps.

Once we were set up I went out, found Jimmy and let him know what we were up to. Because I know him I have given him rides in the past (I wouldn’t suggest this without a high level of trust and a sense of safety). As we talked I offered to give him a lift to our property to show him the barn and invite him to crash there whenever he’d like. He seemed enthusiastic at first.

After all the preparations Jimmy never took us up on our offer. We learned later that the wonderful human we purchased our home from had offered the same thing to him years earlier. It’s not always the right fit or time. Sometimes this happens, we all have a free will and choices, this doesn’t vanish when we’re unhoused. In the end it was fun to try.

Finally:

Thank you for taking the time to read this piece. I hope the main point conveys, if you have a heart to offer shelter to your unhoused neighbor develop a plan and criteria that suits your particular circumstances. There’s never a need to risk harm to do this well.

We haven’t always been in a position to offer a safe place for a stranger, when we can it’s great. There’s no forcing it. Our criteria has kept us from making bad decisions.

We always try to know what resources are in our area so if we can’t offer shelter, we know what organizations do.

Our list is not meant to be universal. It’s simply offered here for a framework to aid in your decision making.
Please filter all of this through your own set of circumstances.

If you live in an apartment or a condo (anywhere there’s shared space with other tenants) it’s almost certainly not a good idea to open your place to a stranger.

There may never be a time when you can offer shelter safely, it’s okay, take that desire and apply it to the system of care in your area.

Know your resources and volunteer.

We’re always learning and would welcome feedback if you think we’d all gain from something you’ve learned.

We don’t want to take away the fun and enrichment of opening our homes. It can change lives, it can be the most rewarding thing ever.
Hopefully this information helps to keep it that way.