Flying a sign

The number one question we’ve heard over the years is some variation on this: what should I do when I encounter a homeless person at a stoplight flying a sign asking for help?

I’d like to try to break this experience down in an understandable way as best I can.

First so that we can understand why we would engage and then how.

My own machinations years ago:

There I am, sitting at a traffic light. It’s been a long day. I’m tired. Doing my best to disentangle the stresses of work… so I can be clear hearted by the time I sink into the comfort of my home and family.

Through the haze of my stary introspection I realize there’s a stranger walking toward me. They’re carrying a cardboard sign that reads something to the effect of ANYTHING HELPS – GOD BLESS.

I quickly get on an engrossing (fake) phone call, or act like there’s something in need of my immediate attention on the passenger-side floor, maybe I give laser-focus to my radio dial… avoiding eye contact at all costs. The light can’t change fast enough. Hopefully before this stranger reaches my window.

I feel a little embarrassed and even ashamed as the light turns green and I start moving.

I do my best to get back to my own thoughts and forget about it.

Why do I feel so off balance? I know where I fit in “my world”. I’m pretty solid normally. So how is it that a total stranger leaves me with feelings of dislocation?

I’ve been interrupted with an appeal I’m not sure I trust or understand.

My internal capitalist rises up: "Have they no refuge or resource?" cried Scrooge.
"Are there no prisons?" said the Spirit, turning on him for the last time with his own words. "Are there no workhouses?"

Dahhh, I’m a rotten human being! I hope my mother isn’t watching.

I rally with my list… wait! I’m a good person, a nice guy. I volunteer at my kids’ school events, I support non-profits through matching funds at the office. I go the extra mile to help others. Just the other day I helped my neighbor load a new couch into their home, no need for thanks. My family served a meal last Thanksgiving at the shelter. I felt good about that. I’m ready to help the occasional stranger whose car is stuck in the snow. I do my part. I’m also working really hard to provide for my family. I have my own troubles. Why doesn’t this stranger work as hard as I do and get a job?

I don’t know if any of this relates, I think we’re pretty hilarious when we range into areas of life we’re not sure about.

Like most of us, I’ve also become intrusion averse. From pop-up ads, billboards, tv commercials. My mind is trained to ignore anything that feels like an interruption. It’s not even a thought anymore. I’m aware that this also influences my reaction and I don’t want to become cold hearted.

Odds are this familiar scene causes you stress too and you’re not sure what to do. For some of us this is a daily experience. An unhoused stranger standing on a corner looking disheveled and dirty, (like they’ve been sleeping outdoors or something) making intense and unwelcome eye contact and holding a cardboard sign. This is poverty in America.

At some point I realized my need to get ahead of this and decide what I believe and what I should do before I roll up to the traffic light.

How do I see it, what do I believe?

Do I believe that everyone that flies a sign is scamming?
Do I imagine that something is broken and beyond their capacity to fix it?
What do I fundamentally think of the person standing in front of me?
Do they have the same value as me and mine?

Once we’ve settled these questions, in my experience, the anxiety goes away.

What if we actually knew what to do?
What if we no longer saw this as an intrusion?
What if felt prepared for these interactions?
What if we could teach our children what to do?

Let’s talk about this

A few thoughts on worth.

We all start out vulnerable, pure and open to new friendships. We’re warned emphatically “don’t talk to strangers”. It’s good advice, obviously meant to keep us safe during our early years. Fueled by every parents’ worst nightmare.

Unfortunately there’s little to no follow up to this notion. We get older and become independent, now what? What about that “stranger”. It all feels abstract and weird. What little time we give to the subject of poverty is influenced by movies and the occasional news article. It feels out of reach, easier to send a check to a large organization and trust them to channel our help in the right direction.

Then there’s all those stories of folks raking in loads of tax-free cash only to get in their expensive European car parked nearby as they head home to their mansion to spend the rest of their day playing video games. Seriously?

A different perspective:
I had some friends I knew from the shelter a few years ago. They had stopped coming around and I learned that 5 of these guys had organized themselves to fly a sign at the same corner every day. They’d take turns for about 15 hours every day. No matter the weather. The goal? To get enough money to get a motel room and beer every night. They were tired of being outside through the night and the shelters were too restrictive. After many attempts to secure jobs, find an apartment and generally get it together they lost hope and took action. I have to say I admired their solution at least for the short term. 5 guys taking turns flying a sign and gathering about $60-$100 each day, total.

Knowing these guys and their experience it was hard to deny that their solution made sense – though we hoped more for all of them. We’d helped a few of them get I.D. and do job applications for fast food restaurants. The minimum wage was egregious. The trouble is that once they secured a job there was a 3 week gap before their first paycheck. As the new hire, they also would get the least desirable schedule. Starting at part-time hours and hoping to work their way up. Even if they’d gotten full-time hours they wouldn’t make near enough money to get an apartment in town close to their job. They wanted to work, but housing costs are prohibitive. So they took the initiative. It’s a lousy solution but they got shelter, a shower, tv and some friendly company. Not hard to understand.

Here’s the thing, villainizing people doesn’t achieve anything. Everyone wishes that encampments and panhandling would go away (especially people that have to live in them) but affordable housing is the only way that will happen. It’s natural to objectify what we fear as we try to make sense of the things we don’t know. The result is that unhoused people are treated as if they’re a different species. We also embrace false narratives in an attempt to make sense of what we’re experiencing. Oftentimes we overcome the shame we feel, brought on by our ignorance, by casting blame. Of course this kind of thinking doesn’t help any of us.

Let’s start with our assumptions

What do we actually think about that stranger with the cardboard sign? Honestly.

Drug addict?
Lazy?
Crazy?
Felon?
Drunk?
Deadbeat?
Escaped convict?
Predator?
Faker?
Scammer?

What will they do with money if I give it to them? Will they buy drugs? Will I be supporting illegal behavior? Will it encourage them to stay on this corner instead of moving on? Will I be contributing to their demise?
Where is their family? Did they do something so bad that they were kicked out of their home?
Are they choosing to live like this?

Fair questions.

What if we focused on understanding our role in offering solutions, instead of what got this stranger here to this corner.

It’s helpful for me to remember that no matter what got them here I’m only responsible for what I do, if someone has gotten one over on me I’ve already decided it’s worth the risk.

So over the years I’ve attempted to understand my role and clarify my core beliefs about each stranger, even if I can’t answer any of these questions.

Here’s what I’ve come to so far:

1.      I believe to my core, that every person I encounter has inestimable worth. This doesn’t change when someone loses their housing, or when a mental health challenge has been precipitated upon them, or when they’ve become an addict of any kind.
They are someone’s daughter or son. My hope is that somewhere, someone still cares about their wellbeing.

2.      We’re all connected to each other.

3.      Ultimately they are just me without housing.

4.      They are not my enemy.  

5.      They are in survival mode and what they’re doing is really hard. I couldn’t do it. They don’t need me to add to their difficulties. No one should have to panhandle to live.

Those of us who have lost track of a family member to the wiles of homelessness hold a deep hope that the unhoused will be treated well and kept safe – and ultimately make their way home.

So I ask myself, how would I want my own to be treated?

I have landed on a couple of conclusions. As always, this is my list and only a suggestion in order of basic to complex.

Basic engagement:

1.      At the very least show regard. I make eye contact and wave.

2.      If I have a second I roll down my window and say hello, I’ll usually say something like “I don’t have anything to give you… just wanted to say hi” simple kindness. I reserve the right to give some cash. Sometimes I feel an internal nudge and if I have cash I hand it over.

3.      When I’m really prepared I offer a water bottle, socks, chap-stick, sunblock, a dental kit (traveler sized: toothbrush/paste/floss/mouthwash). Something to help the most basic physical needs.

Deeper still, I feel responsible to know my local resources:
I start with the simple question: Are you outdoors? (this conveys that I understand and there’s no shame coming from me) and follow with, do you know about the resources in town?

These are (if my city offers):

1.      A day shelter, a.k.a. Resource Center (showers/laundry/mail/coordinated intake…)

2.      Places to get a meal

3.      A place to obtain clothing

4.      An overnight shelter

5.      An addiction recovery program

6.      Domestic violence hotline

7.      Mental health hotline/warmline

8.      Suicide hotline (much higher rates among the unhoused)

Once I learn about my local resources I like to carry a list that I can offer a person in the median. Many cities have “street sheets” you can download and print to hand out. I encourage you to do a search online and see if your city offers this.

Quick story

On our cross country trip, Steph and I encountered a lot of folks at a lot of exit ramps, sidewalks and encampments. We had more time than normal to talk as this was the reason we left home.

This one guy stands out… Steve. He was flying a sign at an exit ramp in a small Southern California town. I recall he had his bike parked next to him and it was late in the day. He had an intensity about him and it felt like he would love to be anywhere but there on the side of the road. He wasn’t checked out like a lot of folks, he was present and I’m sure that’s the harder way to be. He didn’t really make eye contact at first. There were no cars behind me so I knew I could linger a little.

When I said hello Steve looked up like he was bracing for yet another belittling exchange. Someone talking down to him, or giving him a couple of bucks with a side of advice. I sensed relief as we talked as peers. I asked him how he was doing, I told him that we’d just toured the local shelter and wondered what he thought about it. He stood up and we talked like friends, as equals. He told us that he was waiting to hear back about a job. We may have given him a few bucks or some food, I can’t remember. I felt like we’d be friends if we lived in that place.

So much is conveyed in these first moments. Striking an authentic attitude of friendly, respectful regard can take a little practice, stick with it. Steve is someone’s son and his story is important, he is important. I thanked him for taking the time to talk and told him I hoped the rest of his night went well.

Why even mention this particular exchange? Because I believe all three of us walked away a little more returned to the human race. Sometimes an example of even a simple meeting like this can help… ultimately it was less about money and more about connection.

Further thoughts

It’s worth acknowledging that seeing people living on the street strikes an unaddressed fear that this is a possibility for any one of us. We like to believe our world, our society is much more supportive and compassionate, even heroic. This reality is antithetical to all we hope about our world. We wonder, can this really happen in our great nation? So naturally we counter: it must be a choice, they must’ve failed morally, there’s no way this happens to “good” people. Nearly 600 thousand people slept in places not fit for human habitation last night. It can happen to anyone.

A lot of folks on the street present as a scary version of themselves because it helps them survive long after the rest of us have gone to bed. The streets can get very primal and violent after dark, and no one wants to seem like an easy mark. Looking scary can be a protection. Secrecy is a protection as well, folks use their nicknames, sometimes it’s from their childhood, sometimes their nickname is meant to strike fear. Dangerous personas and stories that follow also give pause to would-be assailants. If you’ve ever embellished a story to impress someone then you know what I’m talking about.

One evening as we sat around a firepit, a friend confided that she looks at the shoes on the person panhandling. If they have nice shoes she believes they’re scamming. I chuckled and said, we always loved it when new shoe donations came into the shelter. She hung her head and said, I hadn’t considered that, we all laughed.

We’re all trying to figure it out, the shame is only when we give into to bigotry and demonizing.

Conclusion:

No one should live in want, not in this day and age, in arguably the wealthiest nation in the world. I believe we can affect change but not if we live in ignorance.

It may be pie in the sky thinking but I believe that if more of us understood the resources in our cities, what each one offers and how they work, we would be equipped to offer more than a happy meal or a couple of bucks. We could channel people to the correct organization raising the potential for real personal change.

Start with offering the dignity of regard and see where that takes you.